Semi-Famous S1E01: Dave Gets a Stalker

Ryan: I wrote a sitcom pilot almost a decade ago (January 2009). Now that none of the jokes make sense anymore, I thought I’d share it. Enjoy!

FADE IN: COLD OPEN
EXT. ESTABLISHING SHOTS OF FRONT / SPADINA
CUT TO: INT. CONDO LOBBY
Camera lingers before revealing a bank of elevators. Doors open and DAVE MERR exits as if the carpet beneath him were red and this was a film premiere. “Celebrity” by the Subhumans starts playing. Dave stops a few metres from the front door of his condo to pause for a backstage breath, before making his grand exit.

Dave hits the sidewalk, ready to face his adoring fans. He walks past FIRST PERSON who does slow-motion stop and turn.

CUT TO: A long whoosh is heard, to underscore the stop and turn.
CUT TO: Dave continues walking — happens all the time.
CUT TO: 3 more people stop-and-stare after minor double-takes. Three rapid whooshs are heard. Dave continues on his route.

CUT TO: LONG SHOT OF THE 4 PEOPLE STOPPED ON THE SIDEWALK
The 4 people point at departing Dave and then at each other.

FOURTH PERSON
Hey! It’s that guy!

CUT TO: FIRST PERSON (snapping fingers unconvincingly)
The bass player for Feist?

FOURTH PERSON
The shirtless guy from Electric Circus?

Everyone else shakes their head.

SECOND PERSON
The shirtless guy from Trailer Park Boys?

FIRST, SECOND, THIRD (too urban-sophisticated to admit watching TPB)
I, um, never heard of that particular show.

THIRD PERSON
Wait. Beck. Officer Richard Beck. That old high school cop show? Everyone had weird hair?

FIRST PERSON
21 Jumpstreet?

THIRD PERSON
No, no. The low-budget, Canadian knock-off. Oh! What was it called?

FIRST, SECOND, THIRD, FOURTH (at the same time)
23 Hopscotch!

All four cellphones ring at once. All four people consider their phones.

FIRST, SECOND, THIRD, FOURTH
Excuse me. I have to take this. (beat) You’ll never guess who I just saw!

END OF COLD OPEN
ACT ONE. FADE IN: EXT. OF JUICE BAR

Dave approaches Squeeze My Lemon, where he was headed during the COLD OPEN. An attractive young woman (EDNA) with cat-eye glasses and a laptop sits at a window overlooking the sidewalk.

Dave enters the juice bar.

CUT TO: EDNA deep in concentration on the laptop. Her watch beeps. She turns to see Dave entering and nods in confirmation.
CUT TO: Dave nods at JOSEE, the Francophone who owns the juice bar.

JOSEE
Hello Dave. Are you getting along famously today? (unsure about her English) Get it?

DAVE
Le ha-ha. I happen to have a meeting with my agent today.

JOSEE
Once a year, oui? Like a visit to the dentist?

Dave gives her a big smile to show off his actor-white teeth.

JOSEE
What juice for you today?

EDNA
It’s Wednesday. (clicks on the laptop) Berry Good.

CUT TO: DAVE studying the chalk menu behind the counter.

DAVE
I think I’ll get a Berry Good.

Josee makes the drink. Dave drops a toonie in the tip jar.

JOSEE
Merci the tip. (lowering her voice) Now I give you one. That corner girl? Either I think she likes you, or she’s pepperazzi?

DAVE (turns to consider EDNA)
Paparazzi. The pepperazzi take photos of famous pizzas.

JOSEE (hates being wrong)
How do you know pepper- (corrects self) paparazzi? Vingt-Trois Trottoir was cancelled forever ago. Is that the right English? (milking it) Forever ago? A lifetime? Millennium?

DAVE (trying to reclaim pride)
Thanks to the miracle of syndication, 23 Hopscotch is playing somewhere in the world right now. My Romanian residuals keep your store in business.

Dave sits down near EDNA and pauses, like he did in his condo lobby, as he becomes “Dave” the famous actor / ladykiller.

DAVE (turning toward EDNA)
Hi.

EDNA (from yogic calm to Beatlemania shriek in .5 seconds)
Aiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee!

CUT TO: EXT. CN TOWER. A flock of startled CGI birds take off from their perch on the CN Tower, thus paying homage to a classic visual cliche.

FADE OUT.
FADE IN. INT. AGENCY WAITING ROOM. Establishing shot of acting agency waiting room, filled with as many actual Canadian actors as possible.
CUT TO: INT. MURRAY’S OFFICE

MURRAY (Dave’s agent) has a clicker in his hand, and is partway through a presentation.

MURRAY
Moving onto your Fame Audit.

Murray clicks to the next slide, a series of bar graphs and pie charts that resemble a Mutual Fund Report.

MURRAY
As you can see, you dropped 6 basis points this year, which puts you 3 points above Moustache Guy from the Koodo ads … (clicks for Koodo image) But 25 points behind blue chip performers like Mia Kirshner and Don McKellar. (clicks for their photos)

DAVE
But no cavities, right?

MURRAY
Pardon?

DAVE
This feels like a visit to the dentist. I need hope. Or at least some novocaine

MURRAY
Novocaine it is.

Dave looks hurt.

MURRAY (sighs)
Look. What have I been telling you for the past five years?

DAVE
I’m the next Jonathan Torrens?

MURRAY (shakes his head but decides to be nice)
How good are you at math?

DAVE (lost and guessing)
12. Is that the right answer?

MURRAY
Do you know what 10 percent of nothing is?

DAVE (digging through pockets)
Just a sec. My cellphone has a calculator function.

MURRAY
Zero. Last year you earned me zero dollars and zero cents. Minus GST, of course.

DAVE
But I was one of your first clients. Back when you needed me.

MURRAY (nostalgic)
I remember those days. Your first Zellers commercial. A 3-episode arc on the Polka Dot Door…

Murray drops the clicker, which advances to the next slide, which reads 23 Hopscotch: Older, Wiser, and Sexier than Ever!

DAVE (somewhat excited)
What’s that?

MURRAY
Hope. As in your last. Negotiations are underway for a remake of 23 Hopscotch. It’s part of the Conservative government’s new cultural restraint program: reduce, reuse, or recycle.

DAVE (disgruntled and gruntled)
And I’m the old container of bleach in the blue bin, is that it?

MURRAY
More like an empty bottle of very fine wine. Regardless, the remake is in the preliminary stages. Producers want a controlled buzz. So keep this to yourself.

DAVE (warming up to idea)
I will. (pauses) You know, this remake could work. Just this morning a 23 Hopscotch fan screamed at me.

MURRAY (curious and concerned)
What kind of scream?

Dave tries to recreate the scream. The first time he’s close but fails. The second time he nails it.

MURRAY
Sounds like a stalker.

DAVE
Sounds like you’re jealous.

CUT TO: EXT. AGENCY OFFICE. Dave does a small touchdown dance down the block. He notices a GRUFF CITY WORKER. The GCW clearly recognizes Dave.

GRUFF CITY WORKER
Hey, aren’t you that douchebag from the Canadian Tire ads?

Dave stops, his moment of joy lost.

FADE OUT. FADE IN. INT. EDNA’S BEDROOM. We see Edna sitting on her bed, in a close-up. The camera pulls back to reveal a tasteful 23H shrine on her wall. The camera pans and we realize she is watching an episode of 23H on DVD. The scene is a heartfelt dialogue between Dave and his co-star JACKIE. Jackie says “Sometimes being a cop and being your sister means being one person too many.”

The scene concludes with Dave saying “You listen to me, Mary Beck. I won’t let my sister risk her neck for nobody.”

The DVD scene freezes/pauses and the image cross-dissolves into 2009 Dave and Jackie, standing outside a small theatre. The marquee reads “RATOPIA! One week only! Starting March 2.”

DAVE
How can you not be excited about a 23 Hopscotch remake? You’re in a play about vermin.

JACKIE (petulant, precocious and political, like Sarah Polley)
It’s a metaphor. Under capitalism we’re all rats in a maze. We keep being told that there’s a big chunk of cheese around the next corner. (super emphasis) But it’s not Dave. The cheese is never there.

In the far background, a person in a wedge-of-cheese costume exits the theatre and lights a cigarette. Dave adjusts Jackie’s whiskers mockingly. She swats him. Jackie is dressed in a ST:TNG style body suit, with rat whiskers and a tail. Very avant-garde.

JACKIE (ignoring him)
This…

Jackie gestures to the marquee and the theatre in general.

JACKIE
Is acting. Authentic. Raw. Not like that buttered tripe we did on 23 Hopscotch.

In the far background, someone in a can-of-rat-poison costume exits the theatre and starts chatting up the cheese costume.

JACKIE (witheringly)
Oh Richard. Sometimes being a cop and being your sister means being one person too many. Why do I have to choose?

DAVE
Hey. I almost got a Juno that year.

JACKIE
Gemini you mean? Juno is for music.

DAVE
Right. And the Genie award?

JACKIE
No one knows what that’s for.

The cheese and the poison are now making out in the background. Dave follows Jackie into the small theatre and sits down gingerly on a folding chair to watch Jackie rehearse. Through 2 jump cuts, we learn about Ratopia.

One: Man with a cardboard box on his head. On each side of the box are printed words like capitalism, profit, and greed. He is attacked by a pack of actor rats.

Two: Jackie sways rhythmically with her leg caught in an oversized mousetrap and shouts “Rat-workers of the world unite, you have nothing to lose but your cheese!”

Dave alternates between horror and anthropological fascination. Jackie comes offstage and he claps out of duty.

JACKIE (hoping for his approval)
What’ya think?

DAVE (doing his best)
The scene with Santa was heartwarming.

JACKIE
That was Karl Marx.

DAVE
Right. Makes a lot more sense.

Jackie is disappointed, but escorts Dave out. Her body language indicates she has romantic feelings for Dave. They pause by the door, as though this was the end of a date.

DAVE (oblivious to romantic tension)
Is that what they pay you with?

Dave points at a large clear bag full of soda tins.

JACKIE (disappointed)
You don’t understand, do you Dave? It’s not about the money. It’s about art.

Jackie picks up a stray tin and throws it at Dave.

FADE OUT. INT. DAVE CONDO.
Dave is on a cordless phone, talking to his MOTHER. Dave wanders through his condo which is somewhere between student and urban sophisticate. Half man and half child.

DAVE
Great news mom.

JUMP CUT TO: MOTHER’S SUBURBAN KITCHEN.

MOTHER (weary but optimistic)
You’ve decided to become an accountant?

DAVE
No. But I might need one soon.

MOTHER
Why? Are you going to start your own business?

DAVE (with a bit of cheesiness)
Show business is my business. Speaking of which, I met with Murray today.

MOTHER
Did he tell you to quit acting?

DAVE
Never! It looks like there’s going to be remake of 23 Hopscotch. I’m going to be on TV again soon.

MOTHER (sighs, almost to herself)
I blame your grandfather for this.

DAVE
What’s that mom?

MOTHER
I said you should visit your grandfather in his new … (as perky as possible) Adult Lifestyle Community.

DAVE
You mean retirement home?

MOTHER
Whatever it’s called, he hates it. Go cheer him up. Tell him your good news in person.

DAVE
No problem.

Dave is disappointed his mother wasn’t more excited. He walks to his condo balcony and yells across to see if his friend JOHN is home from work. He is. John invites Dave over.

CUT TO: JOHN’S BALCONY. Dave and John relax on a small balcony. The view is wonderful, until the camera pans down to reveal the Gardiner full of Cronenberg-esque, rush hour traffic.

DAVE
I met with my agent today. (dramatic pause) A remake of 23 Hopscotch is in the works.

JOHN (genuinely excited)
Wow. Congrats. That’s amazing.

DAVE
Thanks. It’s totally top secret though. (sips drink) How was your day?

JOHN
Well, nowhere near as exciting as yours, but I did get to test drive the new PowerPoint Pro 2009 Extreme Edition. (worried he’s boasting) I mean, not to brag or anything.

DAVE
What makes it extreme?

JOHN
You can triple-bold words and phrases.

DAVE (being nice)
Woah.

The two men contemplate the view. We notice John resembles John Hodgman from the ‘I’m a PC ads.’ Dave is clearly a Mac.

DAVE
Can I ask you something?

JOHN
Shoot.

DAVE
Let’s say you were at the juice bar, and you said hi to a strange woman.

JOHN (blown away at Dave’s audacity)
Wow. I’m living vicariously through you right now.

DAVE
Okay. But let’s say she shrieked. Instead of saying hi back.

JOHN
Shrieked?

John grabs his iPhone and starts fiddling with it.

DAVE (sighs)
Screamed. Like this.

JOHN
One sec.

John holds his iPhone up towards Dave.

JOHN
Go for it.

Dave makes the yell again. He nails it on the first try. John waits for his iPhone to process Dave’s scream as if it were a song snippet, like the Shazam app.

IPHONE VOICE (Radiohead’s robotic ‘Fitter, Happier’ voice)
That is a / Stage Three stalker. Female. Aged 18 to 22. Favourite colour is / orange.

Dave grabs the phone from John, in a huff.

DAVE (to the iPhone)
She. Is. Not. A stalker.

IPHONE VOICE
I’m sorry Dave. I’m afraid I can’t say that.

Dave disables the mystery app on John’s phone.

JOHN
Have you somehow forgotten the first rule of stalkers?

DAVE
Don’t date a stalker. I know. But this presumptive stalker is different.

JOHN
How’s that?

DAVE
She’s super cute, for one thing.

JOHN (shakes his head)
Has anyone you’ve ever dated shrieked like that?

DAVE
Well, not fully clothed. (beat) And never in a juice bar.

JOHN
Have you Googled her yet?

DAVE
Dude. I met her this morning.

JOHN (grabbing his phone)
What’s her name?

Dave digs into his pocket and gets out a piece of paper.

DAVE
Edna.

JOHN
Great. Edna plus Dave Merr.

John hits enter and quickly says uh-oh. Close-up on iPhone, which shows photoshopped image of 23H Dave with Edna inserted into the image, and a heart drawn around them.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO. FADE IN. EXT. ESTABLISHING SHOTS OF ADULT LIFESTYLE COMMUNITY. Dave approaches the rec centre of his grandfather’s townhouse development. A large sign advertises a future development, with seniors on vespas and other condo lifestyle cliches. Slogan: Be an ARSE (Active Refined Suburban Elder).

Dave is wearing a small black toque. He walks into the foyer.

OLDER LADY #1
Hey. It’s that actor from the boat show. You died at the end. I cried.

DAVE
I’m flattered, but you’ve confused me with Leonardo Di Caprio. Titanic.

Dave does a hand flip motion to indicate the boat sinking.

OLDER LADY #2
No dearie. She means Relic, from The Beachcombers. We’re not that senile.

Dave’s grandfather KURT appears from around the corner.

KURT
Checking out the GILFS?

DAVE (a little shocked)
Um, well, no I was …

KURT
Don’t bother. Unless you like Poli-Grip on your shelving bracket.

Dave takes a minute to recover. Kurt takes Dave to his townhouse.

CUT TO: INT. KURT TOWNHOUSE. Dave walks into a living room filled with stacks of cardboard boxes, most with black felt marker to indicate their contents: “goddamn kitchen stuff, goddamn bedroom stuff.”

DAVE
I thought you moved in last month.

KURT
You don’t think I’m going to live in this morgue do you?

DAVE
It’s not so bad. Reminds me of my condo, actually.

Dave notices a list of activities for residents.

DAVE
Look, they have photography classes and scrapbooking and field trips to Ikea. You just need time to adjust.

KURT
I don’t care if they have a swinger’s night. This place is full of old people. I hate old people.

DAVE (slyly, almost to himself)
That would explain the lack of mirrors.

KURT
Unpacking would be tantamount to surrender. Never! I plan to escape in three weeks or less.

Dave and Kurt sit down on a cardboard box. Kurt rummages through a box and pulls out some cigars and an ashtray.

KURT
Cigar?

Dave considers for a moment.

DAVE
Sure.

Kurt hands one to Dave, and then digs out an old, battered, metal zippo and lights it. They both puff for a minute.

KURT
Whiskey?

DAVE
Sure. I’ll grab some glasses from the kitchen and —

KURT
No need.

Kurt digs through another box, selecting a bottle of old- school, throat-burning whiskey and two Playboy-logo glasses.

DAVE
Well, you know where all the important things are.

KURT
Damn right.

The two men sip and smoke in manly silence. Kurt looks into another open box and pulls out a pristine copy of Maclean’s with Dave and the rest of the cast of 23H on the cover.

DAVE
You still have that!

KURT
Course I do. I helped pay for all those acting lessons.

DAVE (not quite understanding)
What’s that?

KURT
Your mother thought acting was a waste of time and money. She only said yes when I offered to paid half the cost.

DAVE
Mom never told me.

KURT
Your ex-grandmother thought it was a terrible idea too. She was wrong. Turns out she was a terrible idea.

DAVE (delicately)
Ex-wife. She’s still my grandmother.

KURT
Dames is grief. Divorce lawyers is even more grief. (trying to change subject) So. How’s your love life?

DAVE (sips the whiskey)
Well, I met this woman, but everyone says she’s a stalker.

KURT
Stalker. What does that mean?

DAVE
She knows more about me than I know about myself.

KURT
Doesn’t that describe every woman on the planet? Is she ugly?

DAVE
No.

KURT
Then use your sundial before it stops telling time. Just don’t do anything stupid. Like get married.

DAVE
Cheers to that.

FADE OUT. FADE IN. INT. UPSCALE RESTAURANT. Dave and Edna are on a date at a high-end restaurant. A few of the patrons discretely point at Dave. Edna is wearing a beautiful retro dress.

WAITER
Sir, tonight might I recommend the emu? Not only is it free-range and raised within 100 kilometers of the restaurant, but our chef councils each emu personally, explaining why the animal should sacrifice itself for culinary excellence. We find this pre-slaughter therapy session calms the emu considerably, making its meat that much more tender.

DAVE (sees through b.s. but doesn’t care)
Edna, are you in the mood for emu?

Edna nods, happy to do anything with Dave.

DAVE
Emu it is. Could you suggest a wine that would pair well with our meal?

WAITER (opens list with flourish)
Anything that costs more than $70 per bottle comes highly recommended.

Dave studies the wine list.

DAVE
I’ll try the ninety-five dollars.

WAITER
That’s the Malbec. Excellent choice.

The waiter leaves. Edna swoons.

CUT TO: INT. DAVE CONDO
Dave is partway through giving Edna a tour of his condo.

DAVE
And this is the Bden.

EDNA
Pardon?

DAVE (saying brochure tagline for the 350th time)
All the intimacy of a den, but large enough to fit a double bed. The bden.

The bden is filled with a tidy display of 23H memorabilia.

EDNA
Oh my god.

DAVE (pretending to cover ears)
Don’t scream.

EDNA
I’m soooo sorry about that.

DAVE
It’s cool. Sometimes I shout boo-yah at my own reflection.

Edna looks through stuff, making comments as she does so.

EDNA
There’s the cellphone you used on the show.

Predictably, the phone is huge. Edna spots something else.

EDNA (gasps)
Your old badge. Super-mega-awesome. Can I?

DAVE
Sure. It’s Jackie’s badge actually. I lost mine. Long story.

EDNA (with some jealousy)
Did you two, ever, you know…

DAVE
Hopscotch naked? No. She was my sister. On the show, I mean. That would have been weird.

They return to the living room. Dave fixes her a drink.

DAVE
I call this a Merr-Tini.

They sip Merr-Tini(s). Dave starts to whisper sweet nothings.

DAVE
Edna. I have a secret to share with you. But you have to promise not to tell anyone.

EDNA
Sure, sure.

DAVE
It looks like there’s going to be a remake of 23 Hopscotch.

EDNA (starting to freak out,then catching herself)
Dave, oh my god. That’s amazing. (pausing to figure out what to ask first) Will the rest of the old cast be involved?

DAVE
Sure. Except for Andrew — he’s still in jail. And Jackie isn’t very keen about the remake.

EDNA
Why not?

Dave gets up and stares out his condo window, if only to make his dialogue more dramatic. Even when not in front of a camera, Dave’s instincts make him do actor-like things. But he fumbles with the blinds and loses some momentum.

DAVE
She thinks the show wasn’t real acting. She’d rather rage against the machine, nibbling her way toward Ratopia.

Dave returns to the couch. Edna is experiencing every emotion in the world simultaneously. Dave makes a move on her. Edna is flattered and excited, but stops him just before they kiss.

EDNA (quick and nervous)
Sorry. I so, so, so want to kiss you, like 3 to the power of 9, but I want everything to be perfect. Not that this evening hasn’t been perfect —

DAVE
The emu was a little dry.

EDNA
— but I’ve been dreaming about this moment forever. (shyly) I was wondering if you still had the leather jacket you wore on the show.

DAVE (nonplussed)
I think I donated it to Planet Hollywood North. Or Goodwill. I have a black raincoat. Would that work?

The replacement suggestion is inferior. The moment is lost.

EDNA
Arghyieal! I’m so stupid. I ruined everything.

Dave shrugs as if to say ‘I’ll still make out with you.’

EDNA (rapidly)
You know, you get something stuck in your head, like wouldn’t-it-be-amazing-if-I-could-kiss-Richard-Beck. I mean, you, Dave. And then it’s really happening, but it’s like overload, because it’s real life, not some fantasy dream sequence you’ve been practising in your head for the past 10 years. (pausing for a breath) And then I wrecked it by being greedy and asking about the leather jacket so that we could recreate Season 2, episode 12, when you seduce Janet Dover.

DAVE (a little taken aback)
I understand.

Dave tries to rekindle things anyway. She stops him again.

EDNA
I have to go. I’m having a panic attack, like Susie did in Season 5, after learning she was adopted.

DAVE
Calm down. It’s going to be okay. I’ll see you at the juice bar?

EDNA
Tomorrow is Saturday. You drink a Raspberry Rocket at 11am.

DAVE
Right. I forgot. You know my schedule better than I do.

Dave walks her to the door. Door closing doubles as fadeout.

FADE OUT. FADE IN. INT. CONDO EXERCISE ROOM. Dave is watching cable news on the treadmill. The next story is about a 23H remake. The source of the rumour is Edna’s blog. Click. Dave uses the remote to turn off the television, hoping this will magically solve the problem. He turns around to see if anyone else in the room caught the news report. He’s startled to see Murray standing behind him.

MURRAY (obviously furious)
I’m a busy man. So I’ll keep this brief.

Murray fake slaps Dave across the cheek and grabs the remote, turning the TV back on. The report about 23H continues.

MURRAY
Unblog that rumour. Now.

FADE OUT. FADE IN. INT. JUICE BAR. Dave is in an empty juice bar. Edna isn’t there. He walks to the corner where she was sitting when they met, and looks under the table. Jackie walks in, looking angry.

JACKIE
Thanks a lot asshat. That bimblog said I prefer rats to humans. Now I look like an ungrateful weirdo.

DAVE
Well you weren’t very excited about 23 Hopscotch last week.

Jackie starts to throw a tantrum, like a real sibling. Josee takes delight in seeing Dave in trouble. Dave walks Jackie to the juice counter.

DAVE
Josee. Your finest apology juice please.

FADE OUT. FADE IN. EXT. JUICE BAR. Dave is on his cellphone, talking to John.

DAVE
I can’t get a hold of Edna.

CUT TO: JOHN CUBICLE. As you might expect, his cubicle could not be duller.

JOHN
Facebook?

DAVE
Yes. And Twitter. LinkedIn. Instant Message.

JOHN
Tried phoning her?

DAVE
What is this, the 18th century? Why don’t I just send her a telegram?

JOHN
You don’t have her phone number, do you Dave?

DAVE (with shame)
No.

FADE OUT. FADE IN. INT. DAVE CONDO. Dave is giving Kurt a condo tour. They approach the bden.

DAVE (explains for 351st time)
All the intimacy of a den, but large enough to fit a double bed. The bden.

Kurt inspects the bden.

KURT
Glorified closet. You live in a concrete coffin.

DAVE
I prefer to think of it as an urban grotto. Or an ultra-chic spider hole.

They walk back into the living room. Dave’s cell phone rings.

DAVE
Hello?

INT. JOHN’S CONDO. His condo is boring too.

JOHN
Tracked down Edna yet?

DAVE (looking agitated)
Not yet.

JOHN
Well, good news. My IT guy can trace Edna’s website to a home address. He wants a copy of your rap album, however.

We cut to a quick shot of Dave’s rap album, which is on display in his living room shelf. It looks awful.

DAVE
Done. Anything to find her.

The call ends. Kurt is now on the balcony.

KURT
20th floor eh? Respectable height for suicide. If you decide to jump, you’ll definitely die. Even have a few seconds to let your life flash past you. (pause) View’s okay I guess. Too bad it’s of Toronto.

Dave looks anxious and makes a series of gestures to try and get his grandfather away from the railing.

DAVE
Did I mention it’s poker night in the common room?

Kurt instantly abandons his moroseness.

KURT
Finally something worthwhile to do in this town.

INT. CONDO GAMES ROOM

CUT TO: Snapping cards are heard. Sitting around a table are BRAD (aka Gay Neighbour), JANE (aka Consultant Girl) and MARK (aka I.T. Dude). They try to emulate the style, clothing, and mannerisms of television poker shows.

DAVE (nervously)
Hey everyone. This is my grandfather Kurt. He recently retired to Mississauga after running an appliance store in Thunder Bay for 30 years. This is Brad, Mark and Jane.

Everyone gives a pleasant hello. Kurt sizes up the group.

KURT
Brad, you like sex Navy-style, am I right?

BRAD (who clearly is gay)
Well, I …

KURT
Don’t worry. One of my best salesman took it up the porthole. But you should consider becoming a landlubber for foxy Jane. (tips an imaginary hat) You have the most elegant bosoms.

JANE (shocked, then vampish)
Buy me an Audi and I might let you touch one.

KURT
What will a 1957 Studebaker get me?

MARK (laughs like a nerd)

KURT
You sound like a poindexter!

MARK
No. No. I’m a party animal … when I’m not maintaining high-security wireless networks for financial institutions.

KURT (Homer Simpson style derision)
Wireless? How hard is that? Delivering fridges, installing air-conditioners — that’s real man’s work.

Dave is getting itchy and embarrassed.

MARK (out of pure politeness)
Would you like to join us Kurt?

Dave shakes his head.

KURT
Damn straight.

SUPER: 21 MINUTES LATER. The camera pans over the table. Dave, pretending to be a TV poker announcer, explains that Kurt has cleaned everyone out.

KURT (calmly)
Jane. Might I interest you in a game of strip poker?

DAVE (shuddering at thought of his grandfather naked)
Okay gramps. Time to go.

INT. CONDO LOBBY. CUT TO: Dave and Kurt are near the mailboxes. An attractive woman (WENDY) in her early 50s smiles as she retrieves her mail.
She drops something and Kurt gets it for her — an envelope for Lavalife Mature. She’s single! Kurt is smitten.

END OF ACT TWO.

ACT THREE. EXT. STUDENT APARTMENTS ON ST. GEORGE, NORTH OF BLOOR. Dave is sitting on an overturned garbage can behind a hedge outside an apartment building. He looks tired, unshaven and desperate. He’s wearing the leather jacket from 23H.

DAVE (into his cell phone)
John do you read me?

John notes that he’s using a cellphone, not a walkie-talkie.

DAVE
Roger that John.

A woman exits the apartment building. Edna! Dave stands up.

DAVE
Edna. Don’t be scared. I just want to talk with you.

Edna looks embarrassed and a touch fearful. But also smitten, since Dave is dressed 23H style.

EDNA
I’m sorry. You told me not to say anything about the remake. But I got so excited that I couldn’t keep it to myself. And then you kept trying to contact me and I thought I was in big trouble, and that I’d ruined everything. I couldn’t face you anymore and…

DAVE (drops into 23H character)
It doesn’t matter Edna. That’s all behind us. Now we need to think about the future.

EDNA (over the moon)
OH. MY. GOD. Season 3, Episode 11. The big reconciliation between you and Janet after she almost cheated on you with Hank.

Dave gives a slight nod, but otherwise refuses to break character. Conveniently, it starts to rain lightly (or a sprinkler turns on), adding to the moment.

DAVE
I made mistakes. You made mistakes. Sometimes this whole big damn world feels like a mistake. But I can promise you that there’s one mistake I won’t ever make again —

EDNA (finishing his line)
Letting you out of my sight.

Dave and Edna look at each other and kiss.

FADE OUT. FADE IN. INT. JUICE BAR
Dave looks super happy as he banters with Josee.

DAVE
I solved my blog problem.

JOSEE
Ointment? Does that cure a blog infection?

Kurt walks into the juice bar.

DAVE
Uh …

KURT
I was in the neighbourhood and thought I’d drop by.

DAVE (almost to himself)
You live in Mississauga. (out loud) Josee, this is my grandfather.

JOSEE
Pleased to meet you.

KURT
Same. (studies the menu) Spirulina? Isn’t that a venereal disease?

JOSEE
Dave has some ointment for that.

KURT (turns to Dave)
I buzzed but you weren’t there, so I decided to check out the neighbourhood.

DAVE (doesn’t get it yet)
Great. Now my grandfather is stalking me. (pauses for a beat) Two in 1 week. Still got it.

KURT
Want to hang out in your Bden, Dave?

JOSEE
What is Bden? I know bidet, but not Bden.

DAVE (figures it out)
That woman in my building. You have a crush on her, don’t you? Maybe you should start a blog about her.

KURT
What’s a blog?

DAVE
It’s like a CB Radio that everyone can hear, whether they want to or not.

KURT
That sounds irritating and stupid.

Dave makes an “exactly” gesture with his hand. The conversation is interrupted by a cellphone call.

INT. MURRAY’S OFFICE

DAVE
Murray. All good. Edna promised not to blog about 23 Hopscotch until the remake is official.

MURRAY (pacing like Ari Gold)
Argh!

DAVE
What?

MURRAY
Edna’s blog is now helping, not hurting us. We’ve got more buzz than a beehive and 3 more investors since Friday. Tell her to keep blabbing online all she wants.

DAVE
Sure. Thanks.

Dave hangs up and shakes his head.

DAVE
First blog bad. Now blog good.

Dave makes a topsy-turvy hand motion. A cellphone belonging to a customer rings. The ringtone is “Superhero” by Jane’s Addiction (theme to Entourage.) Dave smiles knowingly.

DAVE
Grandpa! How would you like to join my new entourage?

Dave removes the baseball hat from the guy with the cellphone and puts it on Kurt’s head.

DAVE
I think I’ll nickname you Tortoise — crusty on the outside, a squishy romantic on the inside.

FADE OUT. FADE IN. INT. STUDENT BAR. Dave is on another date with Edna. The charm is wearing thin. They’re surrounded by people drinking buckets of beer — not in keeping with Dave’s image as a big-name actor. Edna excuses herself to go to the washroom. Dave calls John.

JUMP CUT TO: INT. JOHN CONDO

JOHN
Hey Dave. How’s your hot date with the stalker going?

DAVE
Lukewarm. I’m getting tired of talking about 23 Hopscotch … it’s like dating a Trekkie.

JOHN
Too bad. Still, I wish I had your problems. Being a systems analyst does not attract groupies.

DAVE
She’s hardly a groupie.

JOHN
You mean you haven’t …

DAVE
Not yet. But tonight might be the night. A couple buckets of beer and who knows what could happen.

JOHN
You don’t sound excited.

DAVE
I feel as though I’m regressing somehow. Stuck in the past. I need to start acting like a grown-up, instead of dating a 20-year-old.

JOHN
So what are you going to do?

DAVE
Fake my own death, like Brad did in the final season of 23 Hopscotch.

Edna returns and the call ends. Dave smiles.

CUT TO: INT. EDNA BEDROOM
Dave and Edna enter Edna’s bedroom for the first time. Dave is in awe and fear at the 23H shrine.

EDNA
I’ll be right back with a drink.

DAVE
Sure, sure.

Dave studies various photographs and memorabilia on the wall.

DAVE (to himself)
Always wanted to have sex while surrounded by photographs of myself at age 16. (points at picture of himself) Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Dave Merr, age 30. Great news — it looks like 23 Hopscotch: the next generation is going to happen. It’s as though I’ve moved 5 feet forward in 10 years.

Dave looks at a striking photograph of Jackie.

DAVE (to photograph of Jackie)
Jackie. Little sister. What should I do? I’ve never faked my own death before. Where to begin?

Dave considers the sharp edge of a tape dispenser.

DAVE
No. That will never work.

Dave looks at the actor beside Jackie.

DAVE
Oh, Reginald. I remember you. You wanted to sleep with Jackie. (Dave touches both images) Too bad you got caught in your trailer with an inflatable flamingo and a bottle of olive oil.

Dave gets an idea. He turns back to the Reginald poster.

DAVE
Thank you, you freak.

Dave pretends to kiss Reginald and then stops, making a yuck face. Just then Edna returns with a can and a bottle of beer.

EDNA
I’m sorry. My roommate, Sarah forgot to get more beer, even though it’s her turn. And so I had to go down the hall, and borrow a tin from Owen, who used to hook up with Sarah, which could have been awkward, except …

Dave reaches over to grab the bottle of beer, in a vain attempt to maintain some sophistication and shush Edna.

DAVE
No problem. I remember borrowing my first beer. (takes sip) This will pair perfectly with a kiss.

Dave and Edna kiss.

DAVE (turning on the 23H charm)
Edna, I have another secret. Something I’ve never told anyone.

EDNA
Dave, you can tell me anything. I promise not to tell.

DAVE (weird look in his eye)
You remember how I said I never had feelings for Jackie?

EDNA (uneasy)
Yes.

DAVE
Well, I lied. Kinda. I was wondering — would you dress up like Jackie for me? Pretend to be my sister Mary, from the show?

EDNA
Dave. No. I mean …

DAVE (enjoying exploring his dark side)
I know it’s wrong. But that’s what makes it so right. Please Mary Beck. I mean Jackie. I mean, Edna. Kiss your big brother.

EDNA (starting to freak out)
Dave, gross. Cut it out.

Dave pulls out his cellphone and flips it open.

DAVE
And if you don’t mind I thought I could film us. I’ve always wanted a celebrity sex tape to call my own.

Zoom! Edna flees the room in tears. Dave laughs. He’s free!

FADE OUT. FADE IN. EXT. AVANT-GARDE THEATRE. Dave and Jackie stand in almost identical places outside the theatre. The marquee now reads “Starring Jackie Long.”

DAVE
I apologize for making fun of Ratopia. Bourgeois condo dwellers like myself don’t appreciate the subtleties of proletariat theatre.

JACKIE
I’m sorry too. 23 Hopscotch wasn’t all bad. I met you, didn’t I?

DAVE
Yes. And at the risk of sounding cheesy, our friendship continues to pay the biggest residuals of all.

Jackie points at the marquee.

JACKIE
Besides, the remake buzz has turned me into a hot commodity.

The door to the theatre opens, and someone tosses 2 clear blue bags of pop tins to the curb, since it’s recycling day.

DAVE
I see they gave you a raise too.

Dave and Jackie look at each other.

JACKIE (shaking head, then coy)
Ahem. I was reading Edna’s blog this morning…

DAVE (pleased with himself, punching air with fist)
I’m a sex pervert! Pretty cool, eh?

JACKIE
At the risk of TMI, what happened?

DAVE
A few flowers in the attic. I wanted Edna to break up with me, so I asked her to pretend she was you, Mary Beck, from the show, so we could have sibling sex.

JACKIE (unconvincingly)
Yeech. Us having sex. Nasty.

DAVE (oblivious)
Exactly. Now everyone thinks I’m still a bad boy with edge.

JACKIE
Right. Pilates tomorrow night at 6?

DAVE
Nope. Conflicts with my pedicure.

CUT TO: INT. DAVE CONDO. Dave decides to check his landline phone for messages.

VOICEMAIL LADY
You have 29 new messages.

DAVE
Nooooooo. Edna! I unstalkered you. Dave checks the first message. It’s Kurt.

VOICEMAIL KURT
Hey grandson.

DAVE
Right. My other stalker.

Dave skips to the next message. Kurt again.

VOICEMAIL KURT
Is it poker night? I’d like to poke…

Dave skips through a series of Kurt message snippets.

VOICEMAIL KURT
Want to swap places for a week?… I’ll rewrite my will …

Dave hangs up suspiciously. Dropping into his 23H character he grabs a banana as a gun and edges toward his front door, hugging the wall. A peek in the peephole reveals it’s Kurt. Dave screams like Edna and squeezes the gun/banana.

FADE TO BLACK. END OF EPISODE.